World of Tanks

The T34 Chronicles- Chapter one: The Purchase

congratulations! you have researched the T34!

Commander Spratling: Woohoo! Tier 9 here we come!
Driver Noble: this is gunna kick ass!
Gunner Summerfield: Lets buy this beast and start pwnin commies!
Loader Smart: YAY!
Radioman Asplin: whatever

You purchase the T34

Driver Noble: Its the most beautiful thing I've ever seen
Loader Smart: BOING!
Radioman Asplin: Meh
Gunner Summerfield: dont ruin this Ass Pin!
Radioman Asplin: it's asPLIN!
Commander Spratling: ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!
Gunner summerfield: Chief?
Commander Spratling: Does this tank look eerily familiar to any of you?

crew gazes in unison at the new T34

Driver Noble: Nope
Loader Smart: YES, WAIT... NO!
Radioman Asplin: I don't care
Gunner Summerfield: Sorry chief
Commander Spratling: Guys... are you seriously going to tell me that you cant see that this is the EXACT same thing as the T 29!?
Loader Smart: LOL WUT?
Driver Noble: I aint followin boss
Radioman Asplin: no one understands me
Gunner Summerfield: Chief, This is a new T34, its nothing like that old T29 we drove in Tier 7!
Commander Spratling: REALLY? Ok try and follow you mouth breathers... if it has the same Hull, same turret, same engine and the same F@#KING gun it its the same tank, understand?
Driver Noble: but it says T34?
Commander Spratling: I DON'T CARE what its called, if it looks like a T 29, drives like a T 29 and shoots like a T 29 its a god damned T 29? get it?
Radioman Asplin: sometimes, I cut myself on the radio dials just to feel alive.
Commander Spratling: ...
Gunner Summerfield: But chief, the devs wouldn't be cruel enough to make us play through the same tank twice! I think you are just stressed out from dying to artillery all day, want me to get you some coco?
Commander Spratling: F#$k you guys, I'm going to go talk a dev and get this sh!t sorted out.

Contacts a Dev

Russian Dev: According to your ticket there was a problem with your T-34? I assure you I will do everything in my power to get this sorted out. Customer satisfaction is our number 1 concern.
Commander Spratling: Thank god, Ive been dealing with f@#ktards all day, it will be a pleasant change to talk to a normal person for a change.
Russian Dev: My pleasure, so what is your problem with the T-34? the 57 not doing enough damage? Do we need to buff the armor and HP?
Commander Spratling: Oh whoops, my problem is with the American T34, not the Russian T-34, that's fine right?
Russian Dev: I C... □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □
Commander Spratling: ???
Russian Dev: □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □
Commander Spratling: You b@st@rd, I KNOW YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!!!
Russian Dev: □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □
Commander Spratling: SERIOUSLY JUST TALK TO ME!

Russian Dev logs out

Commander Spratling: GOD D@MNIT!

Chapter 2: Popping the Cherry

30 seconds till start of battle!

Commander Spratling: Alright boys get ready, this is for real, battle starts in 30 secs, don't embarrass me... again.
Gunner Summerfield: Hell yea chief, were about to pop our girls battle cherry!
Driver Noble: So whys this tank a she Gunny, the sleek build?
Radioman Asplin: Nah, its a girl because it hits like one with the 105
Loader Smart: LOL!
Driver Noble: Thats harsh.
Gunner Summerfield: Don't mind Ass Pin, he's just angry because he knows that manning this tank is the only time he will ever be inside a "She"
Loader Smart: BURN!
Radioman Asplin: Hate you guys...
Commander Spratling: WTF are you retards doing!? the battle started 2 minutes ago, LETS GO, FFS!!!

The T 34 drives into the woods on the western part of Prohorovka

Commander Spratling: Alright were in position, Ass Pin, give me a sit rep!
Radioman Asplin: its AsPLIN sir and... you want a what?
Driver Noble:I think that's what they call 10 push ups
Gunner Summerfield: Or maybe its a...
Commander Spratling: FOR GODS SAKE just tell me whats going on.
Radioman Asplin: oh, well 4 mediums went up the hill without support and got roflstomped and 2 of our IS3s got in an argument about anime and ended up TKing each other soo... we are are down 6
Commander Spratling: 6 dead 5 minutes in... Must be our lucky day boys, were usually down 8 players 5 minutes in!
Loader Smart: YAY!

the T34 enters the main fray in the west

Commander Spratling: Alright were in range, Gunny what targets are in range?
Gunner Summerfield: an IS3!
Commander Spratling: Pass
Gunner Summerfield: Panther II!
Commander Spratling: Like we'd pen that...
Gunner Summerfield: A T 54!
Commander Spratling: Gunny are you f#$king serious? I'd have a better chance trying to kill the T-54 with a drop kick then shooting it with the 105, anything we can actually HANDLE?
Gunner Summerfield: A-20!
Commander Spratling: ...LOCK AND LOAD BOYS, lets do it!

drives to within 100 yards of A-20

Driver Noble: In position Sir!
Loader Smart: LOADED!
Gunner Summerfield:Target locked
Radioman Asplin: Looking busy!
Commander Spratling: FIRE!
Long silent pause
Gunner Summerfield: Sir... we have no shells.
Commander Spratling: WHAT? But Smart said we were loaded?!
Gunner Summerfield: Sir you know very well that hes not all there... he wore a helmet well before he enlisted after all.
Loader Smart: SORRY!
Gunner Summerfield: Sir.. did you click the auto resupply when we got the T34.
Commander Spratling: .....................................F#CK
Driver Noble: ...sir?
Radioman Asplin: dumbass.
Commander Spratling: ALRIGHT, battles near an end and I want a kill dammit!
Radioman Asplin: Sir there's a bus in the town to the east!
Commander Spratling: RAMMING SPEED!
Gunner Summerfield: but sir the bu-
Commander Spratling: I said RAMMING SPEED!
the T34 drives into town and rams bus, destroying it completely!
Driver Noble: Got it sir!
Commander Spratling: AHA! VICTO-...
T34 is Ammo racked and one shotted by Bison

[our battered crew checks the after action report

Commander Spratling: Alright Ass Pin, how'd we do
Radioman Asplin: well sir its one of the usual... we lost 15-0 and we personally had a score of -31.
Commander Spratling: -31, WTF how?! We got their bus!
Gunner Summerfield: Actually sir as I tried to tell you that wasn't a SU-14 "Bus" that was a Prohorovka School district bus...
Driver Noble: awkward...
Loader Smart: O.o
Commander Spratling: Well, they knew the risks.
Gunner Summerfield: Sir, they were between the ages of 8-12...
Commander Spratling: Well... I guess we have a rather large problem on our hands.
Gunner Summerfield: Indeed sir, shall I contact the families and file a report with high command?
Commander Spratling: What? No f@ck that. I meant that we have a problem because I'm not sure if we paint just the bus Icon on the side of the turret or an Icon for each kid.
Radioman Asplin: You are in command again why?

End Chapter